Rebuilding Trust

Rebuilding trust after betrayal requires consistent, long-term commitment to honesty, accountability and transparency. A violation of trust can include; stepping outside the boundaries of a relationship, such as an affair, or keeping secrets from your partner (gambling, pornography, hidden finances, hidden past life), amongst other things. The person who caused the betrayal must demonstrate remorse, accept full responsibility without defensiveness, sarcasm, criticism, and provide reassurance through actions such as offering access to phones or accounts. Both partners must communicate openly and set new boundaries. This sometimes will require working with a professional therapist. 

If there has been a violation of trust in your relationship, review each of the following statements to see how much progress you have made towards restoring said trust and emotional safety in your relationship. If you answer, “no” to any of the statements, there is still work to be done.

• Consistent Small Actions: rebuild emotional safety through daily, predictable behavior over a long period of time.

• Open and Honest Communication: answer questions truthfully no matter how difficult and allow space for the other partner to process emotions. It is normal for your partner to ask questions repeatedly. 

• Establish New Boundaries: define clear mutual expectations for future behavior to prevent reoffending.

• Practice Empathy Listening): acknowledge the pain caused without becoming defensive.

Dr. John Gottman is one of the leading relationship psychologists in the U.S. and describes healing as a slow, non linear process that requires both partners to be willing to put in the work. That begs the question; Can a relationship survive when there has been a trust violation? The answer depends on each person in the relationship and if they are willing to “put in the work.” It is important that each party continously work on their own individual issues when going through a process of repair.